


Can't Say

by eorumverba



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 03:29:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8561854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eorumverba/pseuds/eorumverba
Summary: And every day, Hongbin is about to tell Ken his secret, but the moment is never right. He just pushes it aside and tries to pretend that he’s normal.





	1. Prologue

Hongbin can still remember the first time he’d met Ken, despite how long ago it’d been. He had been waiting outside of Sanghyuk’s apartment complex, when Ken (of course, he didn’t know that his name was Ken - not yet) came outside and offered (for some inexplicable reason) to wait with him. They were just standing in silence that was almost awkward, when Ken began to sing.

That was when the first warning bells went off.

It wasn’t even a proper song - it sounded like all he was saying was _ottokaji_ , but the way his voice curled around the word made Hongbin want (need) to hear more.

But then Sanghyuk came outside, and Ken gave them both a brilliant smile and went back inside.

“What was he doing here?”

“Who, him?”

“Yeah, Ken. How do you know him?”

“I don’t, why?” As they begin walking, Hongbin adds, “he’s got an amazing voice.”

Sanghyuk just snorts, and when Hongbin glances at him sidelong, he stops. “What?”

“He’s just…weird. You shouldn’t talk to him. Plus…” Sanghyuk shakes his head, “never mind.”

Hongbin nods, but he’s already wondering when he can see Ken again.

As luck would have it, when they get back into Sanghyuk’s building, they see Ken going into a door just down the hall from Sanghyuk’s.

“Whatever you’re thinking about, don’t.” Sanghyuk isn’t even looking at Hongbin when he says it; he’s fiddling with his keys.

I won’t.“ He definitely will.

“Want lunch?”

Hongbin shrugs and leans against the doorframe, takes the bags of food from Sanghyuk so he can open the door. You don’t really need to eat when you’re immortal - but he doesn’t tell Sanghyuk that. “If you’re cooking.”

* * *

On his way out, Hongbin stops at Ken’s door. It isn’t really a conscious decision, just impulse - he knocks and waits for a moment, anxiety curling in the pit of his stomach. What is he going to say, and do, and-

The door opens and it’s definitely not Ken.

“Is Ken there? It’s Hongbin - the guy from earlier?”

The guy just stares at him for a long moment, then turns away and in the softest voice Hongbin has ever heard, calls to out, “Ken, visitor.”

Ken comes bounding to the door, face lighting up when he sees Hongbin. “It’s you,” he sounds delighted, “Taekwoonie, this is the guy I told you about, the pretty guy-”

“Hongbin.” he interrupts. Hongbin hates being reminded of his beauty, and perhaps Ken sees that, because he just nods eagerly and steps aside to let Hongbin in. Taekwoon has disappeared and Hongbin sits on the couch awkwardly - gets up when Taekwoon comes in the room with what smells like coffee. He sets a cup in front of Hongbin and takes another before curling up in the armchair across from them.

“So what brings you here, Hongbin? How old are you, too?”

“I’m - twenty-two,” Hongbin throws out the first number that comes into his head, and continues, “I don’t know why I came. I was with Sanghyuk, and then I just…ended up here.”

“We’re both your hyungs, then,” Ken points to Taekwoon, “he’s twenty-five, and I’m twenty-three. But don’t worry about being all formal, okay?”

Hongbin nods slowly, takes a sip of his coffee and relaxes into the sound of Ken’s voice as he rambles on about..well, he doesn’t know.

But he does know that maybe, it feels like coming home.

* * *

His visits become more and more frequent - until he’s learned that if he pushes on the door with just enough force and at the right place, and twists the knob just _so_ , it’ll open. He knows that Ken and Taekwoon both sing, that they’ve been in musicals and have auditioned to be idols - Taekwoon was even a trainee for two years, but he quit to pursue soccer, and Ken quit soon after him. He knows that Ken hates his nose, he knows that Taekwoon prefers dogs over humans, and he knows that even if Taekwoon doesn’t show it, he really does care for Ken.

It’s when he’s leaving their apartment one day that everything comes to a head. Sanghyuk is just getting inside and he sees Hongbin coming out - he just heaves a long sigh and it takes weeks to convince him to meet Ken and Taekwoon.

Sanghyuk is positively terrified of Taekwoon. Ken and Hongbin have curled up in the armchair, leaving the couch to Taekwoon and Sanghyuk - Sanghyuk sits stiffly, all the way in the corner farthest from Taekwoon.

“Taekwoonie won’t bite, Hyukkie,” Ken giggles, and Hongbin can feel it in his chest, “make nice, Taekwoonie.”

Sanghyuk throws a terrified glance at Hongbin and he just grins, shrugs. “Yeah, be nice, Hyukkie.” He knows Ken is pleased when he nuzzles the side of his face into Hongbin’s neck.

They’re there for what seems like hours, until Sanghyuk (very reluctantly) says that he’s exhausted and has to sleep. Ken just nods and says that they should all hang out sometime soon.

Hongbin has never seen Sanghyuk smile more.

* * *

It’s become a weekly ritual - every Friday night they all go to Ken and Taekwoon’s; sometimes they’ll go out, other times they’ll just stay in. Tonight they’ve pushed the couch and chairs out of the way, threw all the pillows on the floor, and somehow they’ve ended up in a giant pile on the floor. Taekwoon’s gotten snacks and Sanghyuk’s brought all the Harry Potter movies and they’re on the fifth one now.

Sanghyuk’s been knocked out since the middle of the fourth - he’s leaning against Taekwoon’s thigh and now Ken has slumped against Hongbin. Hongbin gently places Ken’s head in his lap and when he turns his head, he sees Taekwoon staring at them and when he nods, Hongbin knows what it means.

But it’s not until the next month that he puts his plan into action, and then, it’s been so long since he’s really felt any emotions this strong, and it’s…frightening. When he knocks on the door, Ken opens it, an uncharacteristic frown on his lips.

“What’s wrong?”

“Taekwoon went to a dumb soccer game with this guy named Minho,” Ken says, “and left me all alone. Where’s Hyukkie?”

“He told me he went to go study, but he’s probably with Jimin.”

Ken lets himself flop down onto the couch, pouting, “They left us all alone, so mean of them.” he tosses a hand over his eyes, still pouting.

“You’re so over dramatic,” Hongbin can’t help laughing, then, as an afterthought, murmurs, “you’re cute.”

“What?” Ken blinks up at Hongbin, expression unreadable.

“I said it’s cute. What you did.”

“You called me cute.”

“I-”

“Taekwoonie told me something,” Ken interrupts, uncharacteristically serious, “he told me you liked me.”

When Hongbin bends and hovers just inches above Ken, it takes barely a moment for Ken to pull him down, and Hongbin can feel Ken’s grin against his lips.

And it feels like coming home.

* * *

Taekwoon takes one look at them when he gets back and nods - Hongbin can tell he’s satisfied, and that alone makes Hongbin’s heart nearly burst with happiness. It takes Sanghyuk longer to come around, but he does eventually, says that he kind of knew this would happen. And everything is okay again. (Except it’s not, not really.)

When he’s sure they’re ready, Hongbin places a set of keys under Ken’s coffee cup. When Ken lifts his cup and sees the keys at breakfast, he nearly bowls Hongbin over from his happiness.

It feels too natural living together; Taekwoon and Sanghyuk visit often, until Taekwoon’s soccer career kicks off. Until Sanghyuk gets a girlfriend and moves away with her. They do still talk, but not as much anymore, and although Ken is upset, he’s still mostly happy.

Because he has Hongbin, and they’re happy. (And every day, Hongbin is about to tell Ken his secret, but the moment is never right. He just pushes it aside and tries to pretend that he’s normal.)

Until the inevitable happens, and Ken leaves him in the way so many before him have.

And Hongbin knows a part of him has died too.


	2. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Hongbin regretted those words, regretted letting Ken go out by himself. Sometimes he regretted meeting Ken at all.

For the first twenty or so years, with Ken's death still fresh in his mind, Hongbin walked to Ken and Taekwoon's old apartment, to the candy store where he asked Ken out, to the movie theatre where they had their first date. To the park where they had their first fight. To the street corner where-  


Hongbin shakes his head, ridding himself of the thoughts and also messing up the eyeliner being put on him. "Sorry," he murmurs, already thinking about Ken again.

How bright his smile had been, how affectionate and...innocent. He'd been too good for Hongbin, that he knew, and it'd been that goodness that ended up killing him.

Sometimes Hongbin regretted those words, regretted letting Ken go out by himself.

Sometimes he regretted meeting Ken at all.

* * *

These days, Hongbin is a model; he'd been street-scouted and hadn't had the heart to refuse. It was an easy enough way to make money, and besides, his photographer wouldn't let him quit.

He'd have to leave soon though, before they noticed that he wasn't aging, but until then...why not relax?

"Hongbin!" Hakyeon doesn't sound mad, just vaguely annoyed, when Hongbin looks up, "you're spacing out again. I may be a good photographer-"

"The best," Hongbin interrupts, hiding his smile as Hakyeon nods.

"I may be the _best_ photographer, but I can't work with you if you're going to be that half-hearted."

"Whatever you'll shoot will come out perfectly, you know that." Hongbin can't hide his grin this time, and Hakyeon snorts.

"Even still," Hakyeon picks up his camera and steps back, "liven up, Hongbin. We're almost done."

Almost done turns out to be an hour and a half later. That's mostly because they'd brought in two dogs, and Hakyeon had spent more time playing with them than doing his job. Not that Hongbin really minded; it was painfully lonely at home. Besides, that was the happiest Hongbin had seen Hakyeon since their first shoot together, and that had been ages ago.

Hongbin decides to buy Hakyeon a puppy for Christmas.

"Do you want to come over?" Hakyeon shoulders his bag and places a guiding hand on Hongbin's hip to steer him through the hallway. Not that Hongbin needs it, but the mothering gesture always makes him smile.

"Not tonight, maybe tomorrow though."

"Why not tonight? You're not going to spend all night in bed, are you? You're young, you need to get out more."

Hongbin snorts and dodges Hakyeon's playful swipe to his neck before answering. "I'm going to the cafe I told you about. You should come, since you're so worried about me."

"You know I don't like coffee."

"You haven't tried Wonshik's coffee."

Hakyeon makes an annoyed face, and he only says yes after Hongbin promises to buy him dinner. For a month.

* * *

Lock and Key is Hongbin's favorite coffee shop _ever_. It's warm and comfortable and the coffee is great, but the best part is how _familiar_ it seems. Hakyeon seems to feel it too; he relaxes as soon as they step inside, and Hongbin drags him to the counter to order for them.

"Wonshik, remember I told you about Hakyeon?" is how Hongbin introduces them, and Wonshik gives Hakyeon that smile that Hongbin himself had almost fallen for, and he can already tell that Hakyeon is hooked.

"Do you know what you want to drink?" Hongbin knows that Wonshik is addressing them both, but his eyes are only on Hakyeon, and he's still got that smile on his lips and oh, Hakyeon is smiling back.

"The usual for me, and iced coffee for him. Thanks, Wonshik." Wonshik just barely manages to tear his eyes from Hakyeon and nods at Hongbin.

Hongbin leaves Hakyeon at their table to grab their drinks; ignores Wonshik's pleas to introduce him to Hakyeon, and takes a picture with a few teenaged girls that recognized him.

"Took you a while," Hakyeon doesn't sound upset, slips his phone into his bag and accepts his coffee.

"I'm paying, aren't I?" Hongbin takes a sip of his own drink and nods. As perfect as usual.

"Your friend," Hakyeon is stirring the whipped cream in his drink, but Hongbin can still see his soft smile, "he seems nice."

"His shift is over soon, you both could come over. Unless you want to be more alone." Hongbin takes Hakyeon's swipe to his neck without complaint this time, beams as Hakyeon takes a sip of coffee and then another, and another.

"I thought you didn't like coffee."

"I'm your hyung, be more respectful."

"I forgot to tell you that Wonshik's ideal type is someone under twenty-three. He'd be appalled if he found out your age."

Hakyeon just threatens another neck slice, but he's grinning. "It's alright. Don't think I'll be coming here often, though."

"Not for the coffee, anyway." Hongbin mutters, low enough so Hakyeon can't hear. "They do have performances here, though. You should do something."

"You know I don't dance anymore, Hongbinnie."

"Wonshik dances too. You could do a duet, or something."

"When are the performances starting?" Hakyeon asks instead, covers his grin with his hand.

"Should be soon. I'll probably get another table so you and Wonshik can sit together. I'd hate to third wheel you two."

"Very subtle." Hakyeon said, sarcasm dripping from his tone. But he does glance at Wonshik, and Wonshik does glance back.

When the performances start, there's a familiar face on the impromptu raised stage. "That's Kibum's little cousin, Taemin. Kibum owns the shop."

"Yeah, I know Taemin, from dance," Hakyeon sounds fond, "I taught him for almost six months."

"You were a good teacher."

Hakyeon looks almost offended when he answers. "Of course I was."

That's about when Wonshik pulls up a seat next to Hakyeon, and Hongbin doesn't have the heart to hush them, even though they end up whispering to each other through Taemin's whole dance.

When Taemin finishes, he bows and waves to the audience and his face lights up when he sees someone waiting by the side. Hongbin figures it's just Kibum, but Taemin hurls himself into the arms of the person just next to his cousin, and before he can think about it for much longer, someone else is on stage.

He doesn't recognize it's Jonghyun until he begins to sing, and it's only halfway through the song when Hongbin realizes that Jonghyun has darkened his hair.

While Jonghyun's voice curls around breathy high notes, only his guitar supporting him, Hongbin turns to Hakyeon and Wonshik - and promptly turns away to keep from laughing. Hakyeon has always been fond of skinship, and it seems Wonshik is more than willing to oblige; Hakyeon's got his arm laying across Wonshik's thigh, and he's resting his head against Wonshik's. It's so cute that Hongbin kind of wants to gag.

Jonghyun's song finishes with a ringing chord and Hongbin wants to clap, except he feels like it's break the surreal mood the room has taken on. Jonghyun joins Taemin, Kibum and the other guy (who still has a casual arm around Taemin's shoulders) and then Wonshik taps his shoulder.

"Can we come over tomorrow? After your shoot, of course."

"And be your third wheel?"

"I'll bring food."

"Deal."

It's then when the next song begins. Wonshik taps him again as the guy sitting onstage begins to sing in a voice that's almost familiar, and this time it's Hakyeon that whispers to him.

"We should do a shoot here." Hakyeon has that look on his face now, the one that's all business and no play, and Hongbin snorts. Going from not wanting to come at all, to wanting to have a shoot there - very Hakyeon-like.

"Hongbin could bring his guitar, too." Wonshik murmurs, and Hongbin copies Hakyeon's neck slice.

"You know I don't play often."

Wonshik just shrugs and beams at him, and Hongbin melts. "Fine, I'll bring it."

He's about to tell Hakyeon that no, he will not go perform, when he hears it.

A voice, hauntingly familiar, curling around the word like a kiss. "Goodbye,"

It sounds so much like Ken that Hongbin whips around and for once, curses the dim lighting. He wants to say the guy up there looks like Ken, but he could just be reaching...

The one to his right sings again and the lyrics are so gut-wrenchingly honest and... _personal_ that Hongbin can _feel_ how close he is to crying

_"It's alright even if everything breaks down, because in my head, in my heart, I have a lot of memories to remember,"_

And then the one that _cannot be Ken_ sings ( _"If you ever want to come back some day even if it's a few years later I'll be waiting,"_ ) and now he _is_ crying and

“Shit, Hongbin, are you-"

Hongbin ignores Wonshik and stares harder at the two guys as the lights come up and _shit_

"I - I have to go."  



	3. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hongbin is really glad he gave Hakyeon that spare key.

Hongbin is very upset.  


He hasn't been outside his house since That Night, hasn't checked his phone or gotten the mail or even done anything beyond the essentials.

He is very, _very_ upset.

His phone rings again and it's Hakyeon - Hongbin lets it buzz until Hakyeon is directed to the messaging system, and then he checks to see the date, how many messages he's missed. Four days, thirty-six missed calls and close to a hundred texts. The majority are likely from Hakyeon, maybe Wonshik (who was probably forced into it by Hakyeon) but other than that...No one else that would care to check up on him.

Sometimes, Hongbin really wishes he weren't immortal.

He wakes at the sound of the front door slamming shut, of angry footsteps coming up the stairs. His door is flung open and it's Hakyeon, of course it is. Hongbin ignores him and rolls over, but Hakyeon just strides to the curtains and yanks them open, ignoring Hongbin's grumbles.

"Hongbin, get up."

Hongbin makes another sleepy grumble and rolls to his other side so he's not facing Hakyeon, but Hakyeon keeps speaking.

"Lee Hongbin, get out of that bed right _now_." His tone is completely serious, quiet intensity practically tangible. It's the angriest Hongbin has ever heard Hakyeon, and that alone makes him slide out from his cocoon.

"Good, now shower and meet me downstairs in thirty minutes." Without waiting for a reply, Hakyeon strides out the room and down the stairs.

Sometimes, Hongbin regrets giving Hakyeon a spare key.

When Hongbin finishes his shower and changes into the clothes Hakyeon has put out for him (a plain white hoodie and too-tight jeans), he goes downstairs and stops at the entryway to the kitchen, heart clenching in his chest.

Wonshik has Hakyeon sandwiched between himself and the counter, arms snug around Hakyeon's waist as he murmurs words too quiet for Hongbin to hear. Hakyeon's lips curl up into a shy smile before he leans forward and presses a chaste kiss to Wonshik's lips. And then as he pulls away, he sees Hongbin and springs away from Wonshik as if burned.

"I was getting food, and-”

"It's fine." Hongbin says mildly.

And it is, except that it reminds him of mornings where he'd wake up to find Ken half-asleep at the coffeemaker, and he'd dip in for a languid kiss, just because he _could_. And the stolen kisses at Ken's old apartment, where Taekwoon or Sanghyuk would find them and Ken would throw out frantic excuses as to why they'd been caught that close together. God, he misses Ken.

"You don't have any food?" Hakyeon's eyes narrow as he glances from the empty fridge to Hongbin, who just shrugs. Food is irrelevant when you can't die.

"I have the key to the coffee shop, Kibum wouldn't mind us going in if there aren't any accidents or anything."

Hakyeon nods and very nearly pushes Hongbin outside in front of him, with Wonshik close behind. They all pile into Hakyeon's car; Wonshik takes control of the radio and soon has some girl group song playing, and Hongbin just shuts his eyes and tries to block out everything involving Ken.

It doesn't work.

* * *

The shop's familiar homeliness comes on with the lights and the hum of the electric fireplace. It's not freezing out, but the warmth of the fire is welcome. Hakyeon steers Hongbin to a table and sits across from him, begins to sing under his breath as he glances around the room. Hongbin can practically see the gears in his head turning as he scours the room for angles and lighting and backgrounds that will give him the perfect shot.

"Hongbin, stand by the fireplace." Hakyeon directs.

Hongbin puts on a sultry look without blinking, and Hakyeon nods his approval, gets a few shots and then bends over his phone, likely sending them all to his work email to edit them later.

It's then when someone knocks on the door, and Hakyeon goes to open it for them. After a moment of conversation, he points at Hongbin.

"Binnie, he left something here, can you help? I need to help Wonshik with-" Hakyeon purses his lips, "I just need to help him in the back room."

Wonshik definitely doesn't need help, but Hongbin doesn't mind. They're cute together.

"Um-?" Hongbin looks up and can't help flinching.

Because he _knows_ it's not Ken, it can't possibly be, but it _is_. He has the same lopsided smile as Ken, and his eyes crinkle up in the corners just the same. Even his nose is the same.

"Ken?"

"No," the guy frowns, tilts his head to the side in confusion, and smiles hesitantly, "I'm Jaehwan."

"Lee Hongbin," Hongbin says, distracted, "what did you leave?"

"My friend - he left his book here, his songwriting book. He has early classes, so-"

"The one you were singing with?"

"Yeah," Jaehwan looks pleasantly surprised, "it's Leo's. Oh-" Jaehwan points, "I see it."

Hongbin watches as Jaehwan hurries over to the stage and retrieves the little book that had fallen there, then comes back with a thousand-watt grin.

"You're a college student, right? Shouldn't you be studying, or in class?"

Jaehwan shrugs, "Today I only really have art classes, I'll be fine. Do you think I can get a free coffee?"

"I don't see why not."

Wonshik comes out then, Hakyeon close behind, and Jaehwan hurries over to ask for coffee. Hongbin meets Hakyeon's gaze and then glances away, strides over and grabs his own cup, watching Jaehwan with lidded eyes.

"You walked here?"

"Yeah," Jaehwan nods, "it wasn't far. I come here to study with my friends."

"You sang a few days ago, didn't you?"

Jaehwan beams at Hakyeon as he nods. "Leo - my partner - wrote the song we sang. He called it On A Cold Night, I think."

"It was beautiful." Hongbin's tone is hushed, and when Jaehwan meets his gaze, smile shy, it takes all of Hongbin's self-control not to reach out and hold him.

"Here," Wonshik interrupts, handing Jaehwan his coffee. Hakyeon is staring at Hongbin, a knowing grin on his lips, but Hongbin ignores him in favor of turning to Jaehwan.

"I'll walk you back."

Jaehwan blinks in surprise and shakes his head, blowing on his coffee to cool it. "You don't have to, really-"

"I want to.”

"We just met!"

Hongbin shrugs, "I don't have anything better to do."

"You have a shoot-"

"It's not far," Hongbin interrupts, glaring at Hakyeon, "let me walk you."

Jaehwan looks uncertain, but he nods slowly and grabs his coffee. "Thank you for the coffee, hyungs." Hakyeon smiles warmly at Jaehwan and smooths his hair down, and Wonshik nods, his hand finding Hakyeon's and playing with it in his.

The walk is mainly uneventful - Jaehwan hums and sings to himself and sips his coffee, and Hongbin just thinks, about Jaehwan, about Ken. When they get to the dorms (because Jaehwan has night classes, and plans on taking a nap before he has to leave), Jaehwan turns to him with a shy grin.

"Thank you for walking me here," he says, bowing politely. Hongbin resists the urge to hug him and shakes his head when Jaehwan straightens up.

"Don't worry about the formalities. We'll see each other at the coffee shop, okay?"

Jaehwan nods, beams again before turning away and going inside.

Hongbin is really glad he gave Hakyeon that spare key.  



End file.
